Let’s talk about something hard.
The mother/daughter dynamic is often the hardest relationship a woman will ever experience.
Mothers and daughters have a record of cruelty, and the intensity of judgement is often unmatched.
This reality paired with the obligation to love and respect your mother regardless has created a rift so deep that many women spend a lifetime trying to heal or avoid these wounds.
The Core Wounding
All mothers are replaying their wounds with their own mothers.
Some wounds are dormant until children are born, making these wounds particularly challenging to heal.
Think about it.
Mothers are not handed a manual for raising children.
Every mother is just doing the best that they can at that moment, yet some people’s ‘best’ is simply terrible which creates relationships where nobody feels safe.
Children are highly impressionable and so they subconsciously learn that the way they were raised is the ‘right’ or ‘only’ way to be raised.
We call this programming.
You were programmed to see your relationship with your mother in a specific way. This way is unique to you, but you don’t know that it’s unique nor were taught that you have control over how you relate to your mother.
If your mother was wounded by her mother and she never found healing, then she will likely hurt you in the same or similar way.
Which means, that if you don’t come to a place of awareness, the likelihood is high that you will repeat this way of being when raising your own daughter.
This is generational trauma that can perpetuate through the family lineage till someone finally steps out of this pattern and chooses to heal themselves.
The Societal Wounding
In my blog ‘Mothering Self and Others: The Struggle that Does Not Need to Exist I point out that motherhood is the MOST powerful role on the planet.
The impact a mother has, both good and bad, is immeasurable.
Unfortunately, mothers are inherently not revered by society. They are not supported for the tremendous role they play in the success or failure of humanity.
Society holds unobtainable demands and ideals of motherhood.
The notion of nurturing yourself as a mother is viewed as foreign and crazy, which creates a society of mothers who are rarely supported by others or by self.
This puts the mother at a significant disadvantage the moment she gives birth. Overcoming this disadvantage can be crippling and sometimes impossible to heal beyond.
The Mother/Daughter Discord
Often the mother subconsciously meets her daughter is if she is her inner child. When this happens both mother and daughter’s vibrational fields are entangled. We call this codependency.
When the daughter is not seen as her own individual person and is instead viewed as an extension of the mother, problems arise.
Nobody is seen or heard or loved or respected.
Nobody is safe.
Our generation of mothers rarely did the inner child work required to heal themselves before taking on the task of parenting.
Which left our generation to emotionally parent our parents.
This creates frustration that results in tantrums.
The daughter says, “I want to be the child.
I don’t want to be the responsible one.
I want to be the one who is being soothed.
I don’t want to soothe you.”
A relationship where the mother is looking to the daughter for soothing while the daughter is looking to the mother for soothing, yet neither have been taught to soothe themselves is a very painful relationship dynamic.
Healing for the Daughters
*Note: All mothers are also daughters!
You were born and trained to think your parents were supposed to be everything for you. You weren’t taught to get your needs met by others nor were you taught to meet your own needs by connecting with your own inner child.
Of course, parents cannot be everything for their children and so you were wounded by this disappointment.
Having no context for what it looked like to care for yourself, it makes sense that you might sacrifice yourself in order to soothe others.
You don’t realize that the purpose of soothing yourself is because you were born to live a life of big happiness and huge dreams.
Learning to soothe yourself by syncing up with your inner child is vital to becoming steady in life.
Steady is the objective.
From steady you have control.
You do NOT need to soothe yourself in order to love your mother.
It’s okay to not love her at the moment.
Do you know that?
Sometimes we need space from our parents in order to find our steady.
You can love from a distance and not feel like a failure.
There are so many societal expectations of the good parent/child dynamic.
You are not obligated to abide by these expectations, yet you may want to choose the obligation.
If that’s the case, then acknowledge “I am choosing this interaction with my mother.
Since I am choosing this and I also choose to feel good, what are the safe topics to talk about?”
You get to decide!
You are not obligated to let anyone in on all of your life.
Your thoughts and interests are between you and your inner child.
They are sacred!
You choose who to let in.
You do this with awareness.
You do this with intention.
You say, “I intend to feel good.
These topics are safe…these topics are soft and fragile”.
This is complex, but we can break it down.
Breaking it Down
You gain control first over your awareness of where you are emotionally.
Then you can be honest about other people’s emotional positioning.
We don’t need others to change, but we are going to change our interactions to ensure our wellbeing.
All people are always in flux.
There is no goal to be perfect.
The goal is to be honest and aware of where you are.
Then you get to choose the parts of you that you share or do not share.
You don’t have to choose to interact with your mother but be aware that if you do then that’s YOUR choice.
Own your choices.
Choice is of value.
Of value is safe.
When we choose with awareness our auric field is contained.
When we choose without awareness, we are open and vulnerable to potential wounding’s.
My Experience with My Daughter
I recognized that I needed to learn and understand my daughter. So, I did my own inner child work to be able to connect with her.
Using my practices of syncing up with the things most important to me, I learned how to read my daughters vibration and translate it into something I understood.
This shifted everything in our relationship!
Now we are best friends.
We see each other.
We have trust.
We have love.
We have peace.
We have harmony.
If you would like some assistance learning how to sync up with your daughter sign up for a Sync Up Session with me HERE
There’s an opportunity here for us to perceive our wounds from childhood differently, in a way that moves away from a victim mentality and towards a place of awareness and choice.
From your soul’s standpoint, wounds from childhood are NOT actually wounds…they’re interests! They’re topics your soul was interested in learning, which is why you are here. Which is why you were born to the parents you were.
When you begin seeing your wounds as interests and you realize your soul chose to have these experiences, you’re able to own your soul’s choices.
You get to transform the interest!
You get to heal your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your mother.
I’m Liz Hays, mother and daughter.
I see the potential for breaking the painful patterns of the mother/daughter dynamic.
I see a future of healed women and healthy children.
I’m living proof that this is possible!